1. Determine what is the problem and what is your role in the problem. A problem always has more than one side.
2. Don’t try to solve the problem on the fly, schedule a time and a place for the resolution process.
3. Be formal, respect the process by setting out ground rules that you will abide by during the process, how you will speak to each other, things you will not do etc.
4. Focus on the issues/behaviour not the individuals.
5. Do not make it a fact finding or fault blaming session. There will be no resolution.
6. Use words that promote peace not words that inflame the situation. E.g. I hear what you are saying but I do not remember it in that way, here is what I recall…
7. Rephrase what you hear the other person say so that they know you are listening and that you are constantly on the same page e.g. Let me see if I understand this correctly….
8. Avoid words that connotes blame, you are trying to solve a problem not create one.
E.g. if you did not do so I would not…instead, how can be ensure that this does not happen again, let’s brainstorm
9. If the relationship is important, if it is your wife, your child, your co-worker, then you must see the process to the end and find a resolution that will restore the relationship in a good way. Be patient, search within yourself and be honest. The answer lies within you.
10. When you have discussed the matter thoroughly and admitted to your role in the conflict write out an agreement that you both agree to that you can live with as you forward in life. Agreements are important, they serve as a reminder of what you have been through and what you have discussed and what you have agreed to. It is a powerful piece of paper to keep you accountable and conscious.
